Items Learned

As I am now 34 entire years old I thought I would impart some of my elderly wisdom with you. 

Get ready, dear reader(s), this is certain to blow your mind(s).

Here are some things I have learned in the last 34 years:

  1. Don’t rely on other people to bring the awesome on your birthday, you must bring it yourself.  Other people only understand how important their birthday is, not how important YOUR birthday is.  So if you want a party, plan it yourself, that way you’ll get what you want the first time.
  2. 3D playing cards with kittens in costumes on them will always be the best possible present.
  3. Airport food will always suck and it will always be stupidly expensive.
  4. Don’t tighten all the screws on your new Ikea furniture until after you’ve put everything together. 
  5. Italy is better than where you currently live.  It just is.  The food is better, the weather is better, the wine is better, the everything is better.  Unless you live in Italy, if this is the case I imagine there is probably someplace you think is better than Italy, but I don’t know where that place is, my brain isn’t ready yet.
  6. Even though it’s probably true that the things that don’t kill you make you stronger, I would sometimes rather that those things just didn’t happen at all.  Being stronger isn’t really much of a payout to be honest.
  7. Cats are better than dogs.  Dogs are still good, but cats are better.
  8. It is okay to have pie for breakfast as long as it is apple pie because apples are healthy.  My grandma told me this therefore it is true.
  9. Yoga is fun, especially when it involves chanting because chanting is sort of funny and helps you forget you are doing something that is actually pretty hard.
  10. Some people are just jerks, but mostly when people do lousy things it isn’t out of malice, mostly they’re just being careless and maybe a little stupid.  It’s a rare thing, though, when they are actually out to get you.
  11. When in doubt turn to old episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210.  You’ll find an answer (not necessarily the RIGHT answer, but you’ll still find an answer).
  12. If you’re in a bad mood you should listen to the Pixies’ song Debaser.  Loudly.  You’ll feel better.
  13. The theme music from the Exorcist is the scariest music ever.
  14. Even though Krispy Kremes are delicious they’ll probably make you feel sick if you eat more than one.


I was going to try for 34 item, but it appears I’ve stalled at 14.  That’s enough wisdom for now.  It’s all a load of BS anyhow so it’s not like 20 more would make much difference. 

Except for number 8.  That’s rock solid truth.



Filed under dorking it up

2 responses to “Items Learned

  1. blue roses

    7 is pretty incontrovertible, too.

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