Things you may not have known about being pregnant (or more specifically things you may not have know about ME being pregnant)

  1. You don’t get to do anything fun anymore
  2. No booze, no delicious blue cheeses, reduced caffeine intake, etc
  3. No cold medicine despite your lowered immune system
  4. It makes you barf
  5. Indigestion all the time
  6. When you make off-color comments, you know, like how you ALWAYS have? People will look at you like, ‘OH MY GOD YOU’RE A MOTHER NOW YOU CAN’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE!!!!’
  7. People you have just met 10 minutes ago will touch your stomach, even though you are only 4 months pregnant and barely showing and that is not okay but you will be so stunned that someone who just met you thinks it’s okay to touch your stomach that you won’t say anything possibly setting a very dangerous precedent.
  8. Being pregnant makes you want pierogi and pierogi are kind of tricky to find in south-east London.  I managed it though, there’s a tiny grocery store by the Dulwich Library that able to hook me up.  Unfortunately their definition of vegetarian isn’t as strict as Jeremy’s definition of vegetarian, so no pierogi for him.
  9. Heartburn.
  10. You’ll have dreams wherein Steve Perry from Journey is your homicidal ex-husband who not only wants to kill you but all the orphans you’re caring for, orphan who, by the way, are tiny spies who are able to pass through walls and dimensions.  One of whom lost a leg in a horrible portal malfunction.
  11. Candy will make you feel sick.
  12. It’s just weird okay?
  13. There’s a baby inside you and it has legs and arms and fingernails anda nose and hands and feet (and all the other appropriate appendages) and IT’S INSIDE YOU flipping around and hanging out and playing solitaire and whatever else it is that fetuses do while they’re baking.  And that is weird, because mostly you feel the same, except for the barfing and the heartburn and the indigestion and the no blue cheese business.
  14. But it’s pretty cool too, so long as I don’t think too much about it.

1 Comment

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One response to “Things you may not have known about being pregnant (or more specifically things you may not have know about ME being pregnant)

  1. 15. And for the rest of your life, other women will give you unsolicted tips.

    Here goes:
    Try a wedge shaped piece of foam under your pillow for the heartburn. I had it horrendously in all my pregnancies and it was the only thing that helped. You can buy ludicrously expensive purpose-made ones ( or just get a foam shop to cut you a piece.

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