Last night, instead of doing yoga or the laundry or the dishes or trying to find the surface of my dining room table, I watched an episode of Paris Hilton’s search for a new way to make lots of young women and one gay man hate themselves while simultaneously feeling better than the two people who are made to hate themselves the most after losing (winning?) by being told that they will never be Paris Hilton’s bff which apparently will make them cry or curse excessively or maybe both because becoming Paris Hilton’s bff is, and always has been, their life goal.
Seriously, that’s the name of this show, no joke.
And I watched the whole episode. During the episode, contestants jumped into a giant cupcake looking for prize eggs while paris threw buckets of chocolate sauce on them. One of the prizes was a lap dance from last year’s gay contestant who did not win, but does get to come back and be very, very fey at Paris’s command, clearly she no longer needs a tiny dog, she now has a gay at her beck and call.
Is she planning to amass an army of gays who will slowly take over the world by performing uncomfortable lap dances for straight women and then helping to undermine the self-esteem of everyone under the age of 25 thus crippling the mental health of an entire generation? What is the purpose of this?
Perhaps if the youth of the world are made to feel sufficiently bad about themselves and that Paris is truly some sort of shining example of goodness and virtue they will all suddenly decide that yes, they will buy that CD because YES! that Stars Are Blind song IS actually very good (no, it’s not, I promise you, youth of the world, it really IS NOT) and then on her second CD (which according to something I read somewhere is meant to be inspired by Kylie Minogue) she will have lots of subliminal messages that will inform all these insecure young adults that Paris should be president and then they will all bug her to run for office and in November 2012 there will be the highest ever voter turnout of young people ever and Paris Hilton will be our president.
That would be very bad.
Please, Youth of the World, don’t fall for Paris’s tricks. Rather than aspiring to be her best friend, perhaps you should instead aspire to a career in teaching or medicine or veterinary science or street sweeping or politics or just about anything other than being friends with a socialite. Also, in case you weren’t aware, being friends with a socialite does not pay well. To be honest, I don’t think it pays at all. There’s also very little room for advancement, Paris will always want you to walk at least ten paces behind her. This will never change.
And then when she has finally amassed her army of gays, she probably won’t need you anymore anyhow. She’ll call you a hungry, hungry tiger who only wanted to ber her friend for the fame anyhow! And you’ll be all like, “fame? What fame? I’ve just been holding your handbag for the last 6 months!” And then you’ll get this horrible lap dance that will make you feel so uncomfortable that you just won’t care anymore so you’ll go home and listen to Stars are Blind on repeat for a few hours until the pain goes away and then you’ll go back to college (please, go back to college, get a sensible degree, do an internship, study abroad for a year, please) and eventually the pain and confusion will fade and you’ll realise that actually life without Paris (the person, not the city in France) is pretty good, better, really than life with her was.
And you won’t vote for her in 2012 because you don’t want a country run by Mean Girls, and maybe in 2016 you’ll run for president and you’ll win because you survived the uncomfortable lap dance and came out of it with your self-esteem in tact and your self-respect rebuilt and everyone will be much amazed. And in doing so you will have foiled the world’s greatest super villian and you will have saved us all.
Got all that, good, now go do it, and if you can skip the whole part about actually trying to be Paris Hilton’s new bff then, well done you! You never needed her anyhow.